1891
There are somethings that I miss about living in the Tundra. I miss the lakes and the greatest mall in all of North America. I miss Prince, we hardly talk anymore. I miss the funny way that people talk, although where I live now people talk pretty funny too, y'all. I don't miss the weather. Not even a little bit.One of my favorite things to do is to watch the weather channel to see how cold it is back home. When the weather map is tangerine where I am and lavender where my family is, I call them (I also call them when the terror alert level is periwinkle). I pretend to be concerned. Really, I am just calling to tell them that I am wearing shorts and flip flops and good Lord, I think I just might break a sweat. My family knows me well enough to know that I am lying. They know that 1.) I don't sweat; and 2.) I prefer not to wear shorts or pants or really anything at all. It's part of the reason that I had to leave home in the first place.
The other night, I called Dad to talk about the weather. Dad always likes to talk about snow. He grew up in the Tundra and before that, his relatives moved here from Old Tundra where it snows all the time. I bought him a snow blower a few years ago. He uses it to take up space in his garage. He's the kind of guy who will go outside to shovel several times during a blizzard so that it won't be so hard later on. This kind of logic doesn't make sense to me. I don't rake leaves in the fall because more are just going to fall. In truth, I don't rake leaves at all.
"I heard it's the worst blizzard since 1891," I said.
"It's not that bad," he said. People in cold climates are always trying to tell those of us with sense enough to move to warmer locales are always saying stuff like that. They are full of sh*t. "You have to remember that people were a lot shorter back then." He makes a strong argument. I would like to see a chart graphing the height differentials of meteorologists over time.
Now, I'm questioning that whole global warming thing. Maybe people are just getting taller, that's all.
Mist 1
PS: Fringes is on vacation and has generously allowed me to hold her blog hostage today. As usual, I have lots of important stuff to say. Read it here.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:06 PM
61 Comments:
Haha. Entertaining, as always. Also, I'd like to see an entry on male body hair waxing! :)
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Mr. Disgruntled
http://www.DisgruntledWorkforce.com
mr. dis,
I actually could do a piece on male waxing. I have done considerable research on the subject...but not in the way that you think. Did you know that in my fine state, you cannot wax your balls?
I moved from California to Arizona. I'm not sure if that was smart or stupid. all i know is last summer's highest high was 118.
it was disgusting.
Yes we're taller, and we're able to handle the cold much better than back when we were short.
Yeah, I remember about 25 years ago the snow was WAY over my head too.
I grew up in Arizona and now live in Iowa. I still have never gotten used to winter.
So, you're saying, it's not global warming, but global growing?
I grew up with lake effect snow near Cleveland. People who say it's not that bad also don't mind zipping their foreskin up in their trousers.
I wonder if I look taller now that I live on an island? my shorts are shorter. I don't miss snow at all, I shovel dirt once in a while just to remind myself how hidious snow shoveling was. Yeah living in the tropics is better.
I have an ex who resides in St. Paul now... one of the highlights of my day in winter is getting a look at the temperature there.
Thanks for the comment on my blog... I feel like I've been read by a celebrity!
I really enjoy your blog... always hysterical.
I've never been in a blizzard. Sounds like fun. So long as there was someone I could stay indoors with and have sex with all that time.
Can't talk. Too Cold. Hate Winter.
Must be short.
People who say it's not so bad up North in winter have mental frost bite. There brain will thaw in the Spring, maybe.
I never look at the weather map anymore. That's a Southern thing.
This reminds me of a Bill Hicks quote.. I'm not even going to bother paraphrasing, just LOL in the absence of quoted humor. To make up for it though I have another one of Bill's classics that I did manage to dig up during my attempt to find the weather related joke: The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! "Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options."
Much lol.
wow , A mist two-fer! I may have to fall off the wagon in celebration. I never tire of calling relatives up north and telling them It is so cold I have to dig my 'winter shorts' out of the attic. At work I see a steady stream of snow blown vehicles pull into the parking lot. They don't find much humor in me mentioning how our driveways always shovel themselves. Oh well, makes me laugh every time.
BD
He's the kind of guy who will go outside to shovel several times during a blizzard so that it won't be so hard later on.
It sounds like your mother must have suffered horribly. And a miracle you're here for us at all!
I went to school in Miami while my parents were here in MD. I called them all winter to tell them about my sockless, flip-flop clad feet, and the lovely walk I had just been on. Then they retired, moved to FL and I ended up back here in MD.
The whole bragging thing lost its charm when you're not the one doing the bragging. Karma's a bitch.
Glad I found your blog!
I have to deal with odd weather all the time. One day it will be 20 and the next day it will be 60. I never know what to wear.
Al Gore is a very tall man. That might be why he's so serious about global warming.
yasamin,
This is the time when people say something unhelpful like, "but, it's a dry heat."
d. chedwick,
I am still short and unable to handle the cold.
Thanks for coming by.
karmyn,
I pretend that I don't remember 25 years ago.
churlita,
In a few years, you will be tall enough to withstand Iowa winters.
blitz,
Ouch.
es,
I wish that I could wear shorter shorts to make myself look taller. I don't want to get arrested.
condo,
I know what you mean. I want everyone to know just how warm it is where I am. As for the celebrity thing, I have a staff to read blogs and comment for me.
Thanks for coming by.
phishez,
Damn, I never had blizzard sex.
crow,
That really made me laugh. C'mon, move down South. There's room enough for us all, even if you're short.
bice,
I guess I'm not fully Southern yet. I still look at the map, but because I really, really want to be a weather bunny on the news.
ohran,
I prefer believing to death.
donk,
"Winter shorts" makes me laugh.
romer!can,
My mother was just so relieved to have him out of the house. She loved winter.
lisa,
I hope that doesn't happen to me. I can never deal with a real winter again.
Thanks for coming by.
reba,
I like those days where you can't tell what the weather is like just by looking at what people are wearing. One person will be in shorts and another will have a down jacket on.
av,
He's a great visionary. It must be his bird's eye view.
You are correct in saying that we are full of shite. We can talk about how great the snow is but in reality this blizzard was freakin terrible! Basically we're just jealous of you. The snow actually kept me from driving home, which never happens. You're lucky that you didn't have to be here, holy ish it was bad. Not as bad as the blizzard of 1997 but...bad.
Those are the sweatiest flip-flops since 1891. My wife's cousin just saw Prince in Vegas two weeks ago, she got thrown out of some swanky club because she touched his flip flops.
One of the great pleasure of living in Great Britain is the uniform crappityness of the weather - until that global warming malarky started that it.
Now we get 'freak' storms, floods, snow, heatwaves and the poor hedgehogs are so stressed by all this meterological nonsense, their prickles are falling out.
Where can I complain?
Puss
I'm pretty sure I'm the average height of a 1891er.
Ha! You (okay, I) can just about count the number of people who can take a tundra childhood and mine it of anything other than funeral ham and blue eyeshadow on pasty eyelids.
I can't tell whether it's because there's nothing funny about coming from there, or because IF you come from there, you know they'll never quite forgive you for having a laugh at their expense.
You two should start a club.
"You have to remember that people were a lot shorter back then."
That is lovely, profound, incredibly insightful. If that isn't the great leveler, I don't know what is.
(Breathing.) I feel much better today, thank you.
kris,
I also really like it when people refer to the Big one of 1984 or the Mother of All Snowstorms. I left MN before 1997, I don't remember that at all. Please, continue feeling jealous. It makes me feel better about myself.
furious,
No one touches the flip flops.
puss,
I am seriously upset about the hedgehogs.
clever,
I am downright tall for a 1891er.
booda,
They laugh at my expense all the time. It's the only way that I can pay them back.
thomas,
My dad is very good at putting things into perspective.
Wait till July, hun.
You'll think different about global warming. Especially here in the South.
...also. I am planning a nerd party in ATL.
Mist1: The Tragic Story Of The Girl Born With No Clothes.
Tuesday at 8 EST, 7 Central.
I know what mall you speak of. It is the mecca of all malls. And the snow will melt.... Ah... That is what we all tell eachother.
Say hi to Prince if you hear from him.
nolff,
I love summer. Even humidity. Email me dates of said Nerd Party. Although technically, I prefer to think of myself as a hot nerd.
matt,
That is the saddest thing I have ever heard of. Was she born with shoes?
mutt,
We chatted briefly last night when he was online. He asked about you.
Thanks for coming by.
People are getting taller?
I know you hate that...with your love of midgets and all
slick,
A girl goes to b.e.d. with a midget once and you'll never let her forget it. He'll never forget it either.
That is NOT the greatest mall in all of North America. It's HORRENDOUS!!! Who lied to you?
cheeta,
But you can play laser tag and drink and eat fried cheese curds on a stick and buy shoes and accessories. That's a pretty good time.
Gloating is so much fun, isn't it??
claudia,
It really is. I mean, no seriously, I'm really concerned about them.
I am WAY taller than I was in 1891.
diesel,
You must take a calcium supplement.
I just survived my first winter in Idaho.
Why can't men wax their balls in your state? That's ridiculous.
alicia,
The State Board prohibits it. I have called lots of local spas and tried to set up an appointment. I need a hobby.
I could wear shorts and flip-flops here, too, but since it's in the single digit temperatures today, I'd have to be treated for hypothermia and frostbite. Not so fashionable. ;)
-velvet
Oooof-tah. I don't miss the winters in Minnesota either.
I also keep track of the blizzards in all my former states. Sometimes I complain to relatives back there that it's soooo cold here - I had to put on a sweater.
Onwards to Fringes place, let's go break lots of stuff!!! Muhahahahhaha...
Don't you love the warm weather, ahhhh, sure beats the weather in Chicago...
Since it's hot today, Atlanta will be "hoochie city".
I ran into Prince standing at the next urinal in the uptown Green MIll a while back (true).
He asked about you. YOu should give him a call.
You should know, though, that he's really little.
Really. Little.
velvet,
Frostbite never goes out of style.
hearts,
It gives you great pleasure, doesn't it?
sebastien,
Careful, don't break any of my stuff.
jali,
I'm dressed appropriately. Little shorts and everything.
mystic,
Wait...little how?
Yes, we are getting taller.
Damn. I missed the crotch waxing post. Too late?
lbb,
You have to be here every day or you might miss something about my crotch.
Really, I am just calling to tell them that I am wearing shorts and flip flops and good Lord, I think I just might break a sweat.
If you'd have said sandals instead of flip flops, I'd swear you were my brother.
I'm still quite short. Maybe I was born during the wrong era. That would actually explain a lot.
tug,
I hope I'm not your brother. I can think of some guys that would be upset to find out that I'm a man.
brooke,
Think about how short you would be if you were born way back then. Really, you're very lucky to have been born when you were. You could have been a midget.
I'm always shy to leave a comment on your blog because you have so many comments! I don't want to overwork you. I do, however, want you to know that the Brazilian Wax posts are FANTASTIC.
liz,
The comments are what make this blog fun. If I'm not too shy to tell you about my snatch, please don't be too shy to comment.
proltag
Wait, that was the word verification. Nevermind.
Stumbled into your Blog from somewhere else. Snatch post caught my ADD. Now I'm leaving a comment. I'll check back soon.
Getting taller? And Al Gore had the audacity to preach from atop a cherry picker, as though he wasn't a part of the problem!
My brother, the republican, says global warming is a hoax. He'll get his when the glacier above his house melts this summer.
todd,
My snatch gets a lot of attention.
Thanks for coming by.
kelley,
Cherry picker sounds like an insult to me.
laurie,
How tall is your brother? He may survive the flood.
I'm shorter in stature so it seems to my like the globe has always been warming...or maybe Al Gore lives next door, it's hard to tell!
michael,
I wish I had globes.
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