To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, March 01, 2007

Idols


I took a comparative religion class in college. I feel that those three credit hours make me qualified to come up with all kinds of answers to religious questions when asked.

Last night, Sue (my deliciously beautiful, yet nearly retarded friend) called me. "What does Allah look like?" she asked.

I had to think for a bit. I told her that I know lots of people, but no one named Allah. "No, you know, like Allah Allah. The Allah." Sometimes, when you say a name twice, it will jog my memory. "Oh, that Allah," I said.

I told her that I didn't think that I had ever seen a picture of Allah. He's not like Jesus or anything. I have a magnetic dress up Jesus on my fridge. Sometimes, I make him wear a French maid outfit. It's really pretty cute on him. I want to get the biker outfit for him next. Or maybe the Urban Jesus outfit. The one where he's wearing the white t-shirt that looks like a nightgown and jeans. Sue calls that the t-skirt. Jesus would look good in that. And some New Balance sneakers. Yeah, that's how I want the Jesus on my fridge to look.

We talked about whether Urban Jesus would wear New Balance or not for awhile. Then, Sue got serious. "Look, I'm in the bathroom. I'm out with a guy that I think has Allah tattooed on his neck." I reached back into the part of my brain that remembers stuff from college. It's occupies a tiny space in my head. I remember that my apartment was #420. I'm also pretty sure that it's not okay to create a picture of Allah. "That would be idol worship," I said. We talked about American Idol for a little while and then she had to leave the restroom to rejoin her date and his tattoo at the dinner table.

Later in the evening, I got a text message from Sue. "It's Mohammad Ali," it said. Before she could ask, I told her that he was like a prophet or something.

I like to make her think that I'm the idiot.

Mist 1


74 Comments:

At 8:38 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Mohammad ALI??? Freakin' hysterical.

Dang, now I'm all wonderin' what they call that deity with the elephant nose.

(Sorry been absent for a while.)

 
At 8:43 PM, Blogger katrice said...

Oh my goodness. Allah would be so flattered. As Ali told us all, he is the prettiest.

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Did he have anything to do with the boxer rebellion? My history is a bit skewed.

I have been known to put Tiki idols in my office. Fortunately it has offended no one. Just me opening my mouth at work seems to handle that...

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I wonder Sue's date was wearing Brut. I know it was Ali's favorite.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

Your friend Sue sounds like she's tons of fun!! I think a night out for drinks with the two of you would be like an episode out of Sex and the City (I'd probably be Charlotte! LOL! In my single life, Samantha though). Yeah...a night out with you and Sue would be like Sex and the City...errr...or Girls Gone Wild?

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

so you have someone who cannot distinguish Allah from Cassius Clay dating someone who has Mr Float Like A Butterfly tattooed on their neck.... they were made for each other!

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

first of all I have to give it up to you for being up at 0644 am...it's only 10:20 pm where I am at and I haven't even shrugged off the alcohol I have drank tonight...but something about tattoo on the neck says....ummmm a little something to me...don't ya think...

 
At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Allah, Ali - it's about the same, really. (don't tell any boxing fans I said that, please).

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger heather said...

at least the tat was of ali and not tyson!

 
At 11:17 PM, Blogger SQT said...

I like the idea of the Urban Jesus outfit. With Easter coming soon maybe someone should patent the idea of a chocolate Jesus. (if it hasn't already been done)

 
At 2:15 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I think Don King will accept that Ali was the greatest profit.

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger Jester said...

My ex got a tattoo of Jesus.

At least I think that's what that burrito-burping son of a bitch's name was.

 
At 3:21 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I think it's a prison tat. But if he puts unwanted moves on her, she could punch him in the neck and yell "Take that, bitch!" and claim the tat was making eyes at her.

Question- How many pairs of shoes does Jesus have? Does he have any Danskos? They're very comfortable for long distance journeys.

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I also want a magnetic urban jesus but i want him in a Big Bwana outfit...all safari like.

 
At 3:33 AM, Blogger Jester said...

Oh, and I think Tiggerlane is thinking of Ganesha the Hindu God represented by an elephant. He's the "remover of obstacles."

He would make a better tattoo than Allah. Better wardrobe.

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tigger,

Is that Gonesh?

katrice,

I think you're thinking of Snow White. She was the prettiest of them all.

michael,

I don't know what kind of underwear he wears.

blitz,

I don't think they were having champagne.

chrissy,

We're like queens. We don't show our boobs to cameras. Except for maybe once or twice.

grunt,

They should be happily dating for about two weeks.

tellin',

Time zones mean nothing to me.

karmyn,

I think that's the way that Sue looked at it.

heather,

He may have another tattoo. I haven't met the man yet.

sqt,

It makes me sad to think of people biting off his chocolate head.

archie,

I don't remember that King. Is he in the Koran?

jester,

Burrito burp kinda makes me feel pukey. Please, keep in mind that I am still trying to get over last night's beer.

wg,

My magnetic Jesus has the obligatory sandals and a pair of knee high boots. He's just not a shoe man, I guess.

spoon,

I don't think I've seen that one. You may have to design your own. You will probably be able to sell it to the company for a hefty sum.

jester,

Oh, Ganesha. I was close. See, my comparative religions class did pay off.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I thought the "King of Kings" was Elvis. I saw His Image on a Fried Peanut Butter and Nanner Sandwich yesterday, that's for sure.

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Mohammad Ali has Allah tattooed on his back?

 
At 6:09 AM, Anonymous jessica said...

I just stumbled over from Jestertunes, and, I must say, you rock. This post had me spitting out my coffee.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger kelley said...

I see Jesus as more of a Teva guy.

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

If Jesus was a woman she would be named Shejus.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. The Almighty Dollar.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I saw some guy with a VH (Van Halen) tattoo on his bicep, now that's some dedication...I'm hoping it was a VH pre-Sammy Hagar and definitely pre-Gary Cherone.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

I'm allergic to bananas. They will make me see Elvis or Jesus. Either way, it's not a good thing.

av,

Elijah Muhammad has Mohammad Ali tattooed on his back. Don't you read what I write?

jessica,

I don't spit. Sometimes, I drool. I won't judge you here.

Thanks for coming by.

kelley,

I don't want to live in your world. A world where people wear Tevas is scary for me.

nolff,

Not Jesutta?

matt,

Where are you going to get it? Send photos.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

Never get a band or a lover tattooed on you. It's sure to end in a break up.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Possibly. You do have the credit

...also tattoo advice for men: Getting a tribal barbwire tattoo on your left gun will improve the chances of mounting a girl from the bowling alley lounge.

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Do you still have to sag if you wear the T-skirt? It seems kind of pointless.

Have a Wonderful Day,
Dagromm

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Jesus is the 'chick's homeboy too.

Get the outfit with the Jnco jeans. Nothing says "thug" like the Savior, saggin'.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

I livedin apartment #420 in school also. I considered myself QUITE the lucky girl.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

The only thing I remember from college is how to do a keg stand, and now I am too old and fat to actually accomplish it.

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

I prefer the tattoo around the neck.

dagromm,

Yes, you still have to sag. Otherwise, you will have to wear your belt around your waist and not your knees and that would be really, really uncomfortable.

chick,

I think I want to get him a tux too. I like to take JC with me when I go to nice places too, not just when I'm slumming it.

chef,

Were we roommates? 420 is only the best apartment number ever in college. We smoked a lot of pot in that apartment.

scotts,

I bet if you took a few yoga classes and drank a few beers when you got home that you could still do it.

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous andy said...

-and then you talked about American idol.

You are too damn funny for your own good.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

omg. Mohammad Ali.

That's totally killer

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

You are such a good friend!!

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger Tug said...

so Allah looks like Ali?

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I get those two mixed up ALL the time. ;)

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Muhammad Ali is the champion boxer. Mohammed Ali runs the Mediterrean restaurant next door to Chili's. Excellent chicken kabobs and stuffed cabbage.

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

You were close anyway Mist.

Just ask Joe Frazier...

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Natalie said...

I really think you should invest in an Answer Me Jesus (http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=5931&itemType=PRODUCT&iProductID=5931). I now make all of my life decisions based on what he says.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

Allah? Doesn't he look kinda like that guy who sold the thing on that show with the woman with the hair?

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

andy,

I am pretty damn funny sometimes.

mayren,

I think he was a boxer not a killer.

ryan,

I really am. Thanks for noticing.

tug,

No one has ever seen Allah.

miztris,

I know. A lot of people do.

fringes,

Damn, now I'm confused.

slick,

Do you have Joe Frazier tattooed on you?

natalie,

I haven't been to Urban Outfitters in ages. Ask Jesus if they are having a sale on shoes.

choo,

No. I think it's more like the other guy.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

T-skirt. LOL!

-velvet

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Paula D. said...

Too funny!

 
At 11:36 AM, Anonymous R! said...

420!

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I know, I loved that too.

paula,

What would I laugh about if I didn't have Sue?

r!,

Ah, 420. Those were the days.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Gee, I need a friend who will let me think she's an idiot.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

I am here for you. That was a great idea. You are so smart.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Great Post Girl!

How you think....mmmm, how does Mist think???

:)

Meg

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

thanks for stopping by,love your humour and insights.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I happen to know that Jesus favors Hawaiian slippers, called flip-flops on the mainland, with hibiscus flowers on them. They make walking on water so easy.

Note to Katrice: Mr. Ali said that he was the Greatest, although he was undeniably pretty, too.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

AH YES! Thanks Jester and Mist! LORD GONESH!

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger tallulah said...

Oh dear Jesus! I would much rather date a guy with Allah on his neck then Mohammad Ali. That is f*cked up!

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger Bice said...

I think it would be cool if Jesus had a tattoo that said, "Born to raze hell"

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

I don't understand how I think. My brain can't comprehend itself. Does anyone know how they think? That was so deep. I have to lie down now.

tkk,

I am nothing, if not totally insightful. Totally.

hearts,

JC and I have a lot in common. I'm in flip flops right now and I just walked on water. It's raining really hard here.

tigger,

College paid off.

tallulah,

Some people see that as a red flag. Other people look forward to the fights.

bice,

I think JC had a tattoo of Mary on him. Or maybe it said Thug Life. I'm not sure.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger C said...

Mist what is a tattoo?

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger huberama said...

you know when you have to do Christmas gift swaps at work? i always give a bobble head Jesus.. handy for the dashboard, or the bathroom (which is where i keep mine), and they're like 5 bucks. and people always act all shocked... as if it's disrespectful or something. the same people who where "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Bla ha ha ha, I am in fits of laughter here, and you are a good mate to let your friend think you are the dag!!!! Onya :)

 
At 5:44 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

You'd better make sure Sue eats fresh food and looks both ways before she crosses the street. And give her a crash helmet while you're at it - a sexy crash helmet.

And I'm a fan of boxing too, but what kind of dude is gonna get Ali tatt'd on his neck?

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Lex said...

I always wanted a butterfly tattoo. Or was it a bee?

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Oh, you make me laugh.

You mean Mohammed Ali isn't Allah?

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I'm always curious as to how repeating names helps people know who you're talking about. If I say "Hey, I saw George today," and my friend says "George?" and I say "you know, George George." they will inevitably go "oh! George!"

and of course it works on me, too.

How is "George George" more specific than "George?" I don't know. But it works without fail.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
Did you know that Mohammed Ali looks just like me?

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Sue calls that the t-skirt. Jesus would look good in that.

Jesus would look good in anything. After all, he's the son of God ... or something.

OK, so maybe not in everything. He probably wouldn't look so good in plaid bowling pants. But he'd bowl a perfect game dammit!

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

He's a midget on Fantasy Island.

hube,

I work alone. I swap gifts with myself. I love what I get for myself and I try to act surprised.

cazzie,

I must work dag into my vocabulary.

james,

At a certain point in her dating career, a girl stops asking questions about tattoos.

lex,

Butterflies are so overdone. Go with the bee.

h & b,

I don't understand this phenomenon either, but it works every time.

0,

I've told you before, but it bears repeating. You are one sexy b*tch.

dan,

I have bowled with Jesus. We used the bumpers and I think he let me win. He had his own shoes. He's pretty serious about bowling.

 
At 11:31 PM, Blogger STAK said...

those shoes are called "Nerd Balance"........get it straight.......

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Damn Sue.......

I'm pretty sure there has to be some kind of christian rule against dressing Jesus up like a french maid.

There has to be.......

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

Are you trying to pick a fight?

kiyotoe,

Probably, but you should see him in it. Adorable.

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Does this woman have sisters? Because I think I live next door to them.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

qofd,

She does have a brother who would be a very attractive woman.

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

a tattoo of Ali?

hmmm floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee-yatch.

btw - is it just me or are the word verifications getting longer?

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

willie,

Word verification is always a challenge for me. I dlog brunk.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger MamaS said...

I swear I don't know which is funnier - the actual post or the comments.

I think it would be cool if Jesus had a tattoo that said, "Born to raze hell"

"George, George"

I have added your link to my blog. I feel compelled to SHARE!

PRICELESS!

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mama,

The comments are the beautiful part here. I can always rely on everyone to make this crap really funny.

 
At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I worked with a girl that had the 'asian' symbols for her kids names tatooed on the back of her neck.

I had a hard time keeping form laughing when she told me.

Her kids names were like Dwayne, Tia & Brooke.

So I'm pretty sure the tat' artist actually wrote some translation of " 'Tard trailer trash"

 

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