To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, March 02, 2007

Field Trip


I went to the zoo yesterday. I bought a pair of shoes last weekend that say, "I'm feminine, yet I still enjoy a good safari," so a trip to the zoo seemed like the perfect excuse to wear them.

I have this thing about throwing up in amusement parks, water parks, and zoos. To date, I have puked on Mickey Mouse, the deck of a wave pool, and in a trash can in the reptile house.

I remember the last time I went to the zoo because it was a swanky evening event. I had cocktails and little sausages while rubbing elbows with important people and watching the zookeepers feed the animals. I think that hors d'oeuvres at the zoo should be vegetarian, but that's not what made me puke. What made me puke was when I leaned in to kiss my date in the romantic darkness surrounded by snakes and lizards and accidentally kissed a local politician's Chief of Staff. I had spotted him earlier in the evening filling his pockets with little sausages wrapped up in paper napkins. I wanted to say something clever like, "is that a little sausage in your pocket..." but the combination of humiliation and chardonnay turned my stomach and instead I ralphed into a trash can. I like to think of that as a political statement. Needless to say, my date didn't offer to hold my hair out of my face as I vomited.

I was a little reluctant to go back to the zoo, but I really wanted to see the baby panda bear. I was also hoping that the monitors in the panda house would be streaming the panda porn that they showed the parents to encourage copulation.

For almost $20, I stood in the rain and looked at the animals who were smart enough to seek shelter. Every species of animal was standing facing away from the people who were dumb enough to brave the rain to see them. I spent most of the time indoors looking at monkey butts and people. I watched people take pictures through the glass and wondered why they don't keep people in the zoo. It was almost worth the $20 just to watch the people get excited when the monkeys crapped.

As I looked at the monkey's shiny bald behinds, I knew that it was time to go. It reminded me that it was Brazilian Day at a local college. The radio ads said that it was free. That's a great price for a Brazilian wax.

I don't know who was more surprised when I dropped my pants, the Brazilian Student Alliance or me.

Mist 1


87 Comments:

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Oops, hopefully no one had a camera ;-)

I wonder if the smarter animals enjoy watching all the idiot tourists trying to watch them through glass at the zoo?

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

I can't believe you ate sausage at the zoo function. That's like eating at a resaurant next door to a veteranarian hospital. ick.

So, did they give you a wax?

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

I knew that photo was a monkey-butt. A term of endearment at my house, btw.

Sounds like you got all of my barfing powers. I can yank on my uvula all day long, and NOTHING. No gag reflex. Great for the guys, but sucky when you've had too much to drink and NEED to expel the poison.

 
At 9:08 PM, Anonymous The Laughorist said...

Brazilian Day is one thing, but what about Kenya Deutsch Day, eh??

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger heather said...

lol only you would go to the zoo hoping for porn! ( i know the whole baby panda bit was just your cover story lol )

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger tsduff said...

that is one swollen behind. eeeewwwwwww

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

LOL Panda porn. Never thought of it that way... LOL

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

Too funny!! Just too funny!!

 
At 11:20 PM, Anonymous trixieipecac said...

I didn't puke, but I unwittingly witnessed some gorilla porn. Our local zoo has a gorilla exhibit that has an indoor view of their "den". We walked into the building to see the female riding drunken cowgirl style smiling at zoo patrons & their camcorders. A 4 year old little girl was chanting "what's the monkeys doin'?" & an elderly women telling her excited husband "I don't think so!" I lifted my jaw & said "let's go." & went to see the bats. Bats are safe they do it in the dark. Anyway, I enjoy your blog, keep on.

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger STAK said...

you wanna touch my monkey?..........$20.........

 
At 2:33 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Never dull in a day in the life of Mist1...monkey butts make me wanna go out and buy a box of haemmoroid cream!

 
At 3:16 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I'll bet your face was as red as that monkey butt. Poor Brazilians!

 
At 4:13 AM, Blogger Brookelina said...

My shoes never say anything to me. I must be buying the wrong shoes. Next time you go shoe shopping will you bring me? I'll hold your hair.

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

One tome I went to the zoo with a guy I was seeing. He was really interested in the African animals. I wanted to see the North American ones. After spending ten minutes trying to drag me away from the moose pen, he said "come ON, I wanna go see the EROTIC animals". I thought was just a slip of the tongue, but sure enough, the lions AND the babboons AND the zebras were all getting it on...

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Remind me to send you the latest catalog of Brazilian Bikini lines. They may be more bold than you.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger Matt said...

That Panda house really just needs a little Marvin Gaye.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

Classic.

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Matt said...

And I can certainly appreciate a hairless behind.

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Stop making fun of monkeys

 
At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Still though, I bet you got plenty of offers for a waxing didn't you?

I think my kids may have mentioned you the last time they went on a school field trip to the zoo.

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm curious to see the shoes.

If you haven't waxed in a while, I'm not surprised the pant dropping got that reaction.

Puss

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Just wait for Cleveland Steamer Day.

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

Isn't reality t.v. just a zoo of people?

It would be fun to have a hiddent camera that showed one of the wathers reactions and then aired them in another part of the zoo for people to watch.

 
At 6:58 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

did you at least get the Chief of Staff's phone number?

There could have been a lot of pumps in it for you with a sugar daddy like that....

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

still laughing at the little sausage (aka weenie) in your pocket ....hehehehe

Yeah I need to grow up

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

OmG, is that a swollen monkeys ass, you are almost as disgusting as I am. Glad to hear you finally gave into a brazillian. Word of advice, get to know your estetician first, that way you can always take photos. Come and view my wax strips, caution, since you are a queasy one, it may make you hurl.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Killer said...

I was at the zoo once and saw an elephant stick his trunk up another elephant's ass. I thought, that is love and dedication.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

The animals were definitely laughing at us.

olives,

I've also eaten seafood at the aquarium.

tigger,

I puke when I'm upset or have been on rides.

laugh,

Well done.

heather,

Can you blame me?

tsduff,

For the record, that's not mine.

curiosity,

What? You thought it was romantic?

never,

I didn't feel funny with my pants around my ankles. I felt like a pervert.

trixie,

I think I've been in a gorilla porn.

Thanks for coming by.

stak,

That's a pretty good price. Take me to dinner first.

spoon,

It's never dull. Boredom is bad for me.

wg,

Do you know how hard it is to run away in humiliation with your pants down?

brooke,

Your shoes don't talk? Are they angry with you?

speed,

Erotic animals...that's really good.

michael,

I've had just all kinds of cut shapes waxed in there.

matt,

You are such a romantic. I was thinking they needed a few drinks.

ariel,

Classic humiliation.

matt,

Who doesn't?

nolff,

They're so much fun to tease. Please don't throw feces at me.

slick,

I hope I didn't puke on any of the kids.

puss,

They are adorable. A little obnoxious, but my feet can pull it off.

av,

I've been fooled by that one before. Never again.

wreck,

Good point.

kiyotoe,

True story: I saw him at another event and didn't recognize him. We were chatting when he dumped a bowl of chocolates into his pocked. Then, I remembered who he was.

cheeky,

I need to grow up too. Eventually.

tkk,

I've been seeing Lacy for years. More accurately, she's been seeing a lot of me for years. She's very good with wax.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

That kind of made me hot. I don't know what's wrong with me.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

All this Baboon ass-talk is getting me hungry...not really.

Zoos can be sad depending on the habitats. When you see an animal like the Cheetah in a 10' x 10' cage, you wonder how happy this animal is that is used to running at 70 mph after a gazelle ...or some hot baboon ass.

 
At 7:41 AM, Anonymous andy said...

I love it when trips to the zoo turn into waxing. It really gets me going.

On a side note, the blorching at zoos is common. I've christened a wastebasket or two in my day.

 
At 7:42 AM, Anonymous andy said...

I love it when trips to the zoo turn into waxing. It really gets me going.

On a side note, the blorching at zoos is common. I've christened a wastebasket or two in my day.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Romantic? NEVER.

Funny? Ye-ah!

It's also funny because only you would cal it animal porn -- I can imagine the zoo keepers in background playing tacky 80s disco music.

Ew.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

..."And here is the animal known as the "Mist". Notice the shoes she wears, marvelous creature don't you think? Once her mate is released from prison, we hope to start the reproductive process. We've started injecting her with hormones orally, in the form of wine and Growbust in order to encourage proper fertilization when the time comes..."

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Too bad you don't live near LA Mist. you'd love a local place called Pink Cheeks. They do anal bleaching too i hear

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Having just been to the zoo myself and having suffered/been fixated by the coupling antics of anteaters which are antics no ONE wants to see, I don't care if they're nearing extinction, it's just creepy, I feel like I have unfair insight.

But not on the waxing thing.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Reba said...

My zoo just had a baby elephant. Maybe you can go there and see if they have any elephant porn.

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger frannie said...

oh, Mist... you aren't foolin' anyone. We know you went to see the monkey's butt.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

Why am I not suprised that you spent much of time staring at naked monkey ass. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

These animals had Xbox 360s and everything. They were happy.

andy,

It's the smells and the sausages and the kissing strangers. That a recipe for puke.

curiosity,

I bet the male panda has a mullet and the female has dirty feet.

clever,

They had better show me some porn in there. I would love to live in the zoo. People would line up to get a look at me and I'd just flash my a$$. I already do that.

mayren,

I've had a cheek facial. Yeah, those cheeks.

booda,

Anteater sex better be quick and dirty. If I was a female anteater, I wouldn't kiss my mate. His breath would smell like ants.

reba,

I think I saw elephant sex toys at the vibrator shop the other day.

frannie,

Why are you always trying to out me?

steven,

I have a sick fascination with all things related to butts, and monkeys.

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Yay! I'm totally going to the zoo tomorrow! I haven't seen walruses doing it for far too long. Thanks, Mist!

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

"I'm feminine, yet I still enjoy a good safari"

I need a pair of shoes like that!

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Stan said...

They have porn at the zoo for the animals to encourage procreation??? Are you kidding me? What the hell is our world coming to? Grade school kids get in trouble for patting behinds in the playground but our taxes pay for animal porn? I gotta get to the zoo. Good read Mist!!

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Brazilian Day...I was sure you were on your way to a fraternity theme party.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think the porn they show pandas to encourage breeding is of Other Pandas.

I hope you didn't get any vomitus on your new shoes.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Walrus sex is pretty hot. I used to date a walrus. Or maybe he was a manatee.

tammie,

They were even on sale.

stan,

I am not kidding you about the panda porn. It seems that pandas in captivity forget how to do it. That's why I go out so much. I don't want to forget how to do it.

kelley,

I was sure I was on my way to a spa.

hearts,

I guess maybe I should be thankful that I didn't get to see it. I am black and white and I don't want any pandas getting the wrong idea. Never on a first date.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Tug said...

So how did the new shoes hold up in the rain?

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

I blame you entirely for the peanut lodged in my lung after laughing so hard at your last line. But hey, free Brazilian, I would have showed up too.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Alicia said...

I'd pay $20 to see Panda Porn. That's hot.

The End.

 
At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Zoo's scare me. I was there one day in Spring and every single male animal had an erection. Yes, even the bats (and they were satisfying themselves). Also - my friends kid's have picked up horrible illnesses from the petting zoo.

I take a lot of antibacterial hand gel with me when I go.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

And I thought that was an elephant snout in the photo.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Okay, you just gave your city location away. Of course, you may have done that in the past, and I just didn't realize that you're in the town of my first 18 years--the town that I RAN from, my red monkey butt behind me, but that I still have to visit regularly to commune with the apes, otherwise known as relatives, and get lost as I say things like, "That gas station used to be right here!"

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

I went to the zoo the other day. It was fun :)

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

The big rubber toe was a big plus. I cried a little bit for them, but I think they'll be okay.

kungfu,

This will be the first time that I've been blamed for nut related problems.

alicia,

That's what I'm saying.

Why are your friend's kids in a zoo?

blitz,

I hope you're not a doctor.

edgy,

I don't mind if you all know my general location.

pink,

Did you throw up or get waxed?

al

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Dan said...

After two unrequited comments, here's my third. For some reason I just ain't getting you to bite and check out my bootie-dancing video.

Or maybe you just don't like me anymore? :)


(Stay with it. It's funny. Pump the volume.)

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

You have a video of my booty dance? I'm glad someone captured it on film.

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger Trish said...

So why wouldn't the Brazillian students give you a Brazillian? Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to me...there are monkeys in Brazil aren't there?

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I'm not a fan of the zoo but if they were servign alcahol, I'd be all over it.

Someone would have to stop me molesting the Gorilla's though. They look just like hairy, fat, men. Just my type.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

There was a small zoo in my hometown. One day the A fell off the lion sign. From then on the poor thing was the frican lion.

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Someone Googled to me using "six-day underwear" this evening. I checked out the Google thing and you are on there too.
I posted this comment on the blog back where you posted it but here it is again in case you don't get those comments sent to your e-mail.
"Hey Mist1, I hope [your e-mail] catches this. I may post it also on your today's blog [for good measure].
I did the six-day underwear thing last December 8, 2005.
You are missing one important part, these panties need three leg holes to make it work correctly!
A Japanesse person 'invented' it. His employer, Toyota, was running an 'invention' contest. This was orginally reported in The Wall Street Journal, I don't know the date but it was in the 80s.
To see my write-up, go to my blog at
http://jimmiehov.blogspot.com/2005/12/six-day-underwear-doesnt-count-towards.html
I used this an an example when teaching 'new product development' in my business class.
I'll check out your blog while I'm here. It looks nice."
..

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

At least you didn't puke on the BSA. You just opened their eyes.

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger goodthomas said...

Oh man, this was funny and even funnier as I first saw that image -- I stared at it a bit and thought, what the heck is that? As I read your post, the picture still in my mind, I kept thinking, Oh no, it can't be.

And to end with a Brazilian bikini wax seems perfect, in some weird way. Beautiful stuff.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Turnbaby said...

You and Steven and the puking LOLOL

Gotta love a Brazilian hehehe

and shoes!

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

trish,

I'm starting to get a little upset about this whole thing.

steph,

With alcohol, I could probably make out with a gorilla too.

laurie,

I bet the frican lion didn't like that, did he?

jim,

I don't know what kind of underwear you wear, but I don't need three leg holes to rotate my underwear.

Thanks for coming by.

jocelyn,

More importantly, at least no one puked when I pulled down my pants. I do need a waxing.

turn,

Steven makes me puke all the time.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Hey Mist1 -- Thanks for the look see. I never though of that, using the waist for a leg-hole.

I hope you got free food too at the Brazilian Day thing.
We have a nice Brazilian restaurant in here in Houston, the Fogo de Chao Churrascaria.
Their all-you-can-eat dinner is fixed at about $47.
At those prices, take what you can get for free.
..

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

I think it was nice political statement there. Well done -

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

good,

That's what I thought too. Thanks for noticing.

Thanks for coming by.

jim,

I'm clever like that. I love those Brazilian meat houses.

nofear,

I am nothing, if not political. That's what this blog is all about.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

You are SOOOO much braver than I am to have gone and gotten a Brazillian Wax!!! Even if I have had 4 babies, I'd rather have another than do that!!!
Wonder if they could gimme some anaesthetic or something and then I could get it done....yes, I am a woooossss!!!

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

Okay - I need clarification. Is that a monkey's butt in the pic or you after your free Brazilian?

;-)

 
At 5:53 PM, Anonymous archie said...

Whee - the Blogger Monkeys have got off their bright pink a***s and let me comment again.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

So... what does panda porn look like?

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger miss tracey nolan said...

I love that you plan your activities around new shoes
: )

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger The Counselor said...

the thought of a small sausage makes me want to call Earl (or Tim or Bob) too...

:)

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cazzie,

What's a little pain in the name of vanity?

library,

I'll never tell.

archie,

It makes me laugh to think of Blogger monkeys.

qofd,

It's pretty hot and the plot is pretty good too. You see, the female panda is home all alone when the plumber panda comes over to fix her pipes.

tracey,

Doesn't everyone?

counselor,

I think I know Earl. I definitely know B.O.B.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger slaghammer said...

Regarding monkey butts, they say humans are the only animals that camouflage their state of reproductive capacity. I think about those large, nasty red monkey asses and I can’t help but feel profoundly appreciative of the process of natural selection.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger BionicBuddha said...

Somthing about monkeys makes me laugh too. They always seem to have fun. I wonder how much bran they get in their diet?




www.bionicbuddha.com

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slag,

My wardrobe doesn't camouflage my state of reproductive capacity. It pretty much says, "I'll try that. What was your name again?"

bionic,

Monkeys scare me a little bit. I am afraid that they are gaining on me intellectually. I never challenge monkeys to board games because I am certain that one day, one will beat me.

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

If you let me give you a Brazilian, I will pay YOU.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fab,

That's a hell of a deal. I'm in. Can you wax a design? I'll bring the template. I want a bear.

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I'm glad you at least made the effort; there probably aren't that many occasions in life that will call for safari-themed shoes.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jay,

Safari and yet feminine.

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Thanks for making me laugh. ;-)

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

I'm sure you need laughs right now. I'm glad to know that you're smiling after the detestation.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

panda porn and a baboon's red ass. and then you flashed kids at the college?

you're my hero.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jennifer,

All this hero stuff is making me thirsty. It's really very hard to be me.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

There is an aquarium in a city about ten minutes from my hometown. Everyone loves to go there and oohhh and ahhhh at all the pretty fish and other sea creatures. But the first thing you see when you walk out is the fish food restaurant that was built the same year. I have to admit I've been guilty of going on an aquarium + seafood restaurant date. It really should've been a flag to both of us that we were heartless and evil and should probably leave each other, but it took a couple of months. I finally broke up with him because he sent me a dozen roses and that pissed me off.

I think I need to work on my "staying together and/or breaking up for valid reasons" skills.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

There are no valid reasons to stay together. Everything is a valid reason to break up if you want it badly enough.

 

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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

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ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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