To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, March 05, 2007

Geisha Training


I am teaching one of my girlfriends how to date. Kerri is perpetually in a relationship and has never learned the art of being single. Because, I am a dutiful friend, I have agreed to help. I am the best wingperson ever. Also, I enjoy getting all prettied up to drink in bars while wearing adorable shoes and batting my long eyelashes.

We started her lessons with the basics. I taught her about proper bar seat selection. We practiced looking demurely at each other from across the room. We crossing and uncrossing our legs seductively. We discussed the finer points of long term vs. short term dating. We even settled on an appropriate waiting period for sex.

We moved on to pick up lines. I prefer, "Can I interest you in some sexual positions without emotional investment?" Kerri felt that this was a little to forward for her taste. She is more of an, "Excuse me, but have we met before?" kind of girl. I can live with that. A girl needs to have her own dating style. "Find your voice," I encouraged her.

When I felt that Kerri had mastered the essentials of seduction and dating, we went live. We went to a lovely little venue and secured corner real estate at the bar. We examined the room for men with potential. We locked our gaze on a group of men without wedding rings and as we were planning our approach, we were intercepted by two men drinking domestic light beer. At first, I was disappointed, but then I thought that maybe this would be good practice for Kerri.

I confess that I don't remember either of their names. It has less to do with vodka tonics and more to do with the fact that I was bored to tears. The man that was trying to impress Kerri talked about his ex-girlfriend and how after they broke up he had to learn how to patch up sheet rock. Sheet rock is not actually the most stimulating conversation topic, especially when it has to do with patching up holes punched in anger. It seems like it might be, I know, but really, it's just a big red flag. After hearing all about the ex-girlfriend, I turned to him and slurred, "You know, I like you, I really do. You're very cute, you have great hair and you really are special. I'm just not sure that you're right for this competition."

They walked away, looking confused. Kerri sat there for a second, crossed and uncrossed her legs and said, "You sound just like Paula Abdul."

I'm just happy that she could understand my slurred speech.

Mist 1


84 Comments:

At 9:16 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Hey PAULA!

I'm the first to post - like a virgin....ah so sweet and nice..oh nevermind.

so I liked the story. Saturday I simply continued on my bald fetish and found that venue is a definite independent variable in this analysis.

Good luck to your gf Kerri - I wish her much luck....do you think you could move her to telling men: "hey don't care..." At least it saves you from sheet rock stories.

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

What's wrong with sheet rock, Paula? I love sheet rock. I wish some dude would inform me on the finer points of sheet rock installation, because then my home remodeling projects would go much smoother.

 
At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

heh heh heh - good one!

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Jim said...

I'm glad you're here up 'early.' Your post reminded me of another life. I wished you had taught me some of that (technique)!
A tidbit, my mom would tell me you don't meet nice girls at the bar.
She never did know that I met Mrs. Jim at our apartment clubroom. And she thought the world of Mrs. Jim.
I do get a little practice flirting (?) as neither of us wear wedding rings. In fact I flirt a lot and enjoy it. Maybe I get humored.
Keep it up, you sound like a good teacher. :)
..

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Echomouse said...

LOLOL
I love you Mist, I really do. You never fail to make me laugh :)

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

It might have been more helpful, if you had pointed out to the sheet rock guy that his anger issues were showing. Maybe then, he could have tucked them away where they wouldn't have disturbed anyone. But Paula Abdul is way more funny, so screw helpful.

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I daresay you could give both Paula Abdul and Dorky Dad up above some dating lessons, too--Paula so that she finally gets over that Emilio Estevez and Dorky Dad so that you can hook him up with the sheetrock guys at the bar.

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

Have you thought of opening a dating school? I think you have a lot of potential.

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

So what "appropriate waiting period for sex" for you girls?

Mine is yet TBD.

I think I'm going to cry.

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
Have I passed the time limit on the appropriate waiting period for sex yet? Please, dear G*d?

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

The guys you try your pickup line on must think they died and went to heaven. Right there in the bar.

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger tanjuasue said...

I didn't realize that pick up lines were now required from us women..i guess i have been out of the whole dating scene for toooooo long.. sounds like you are giving some pretty good advice, but as a bartender in a very small town, i can tell you that here the most you can hope for is some sweaty construction workers, mechanics covered in grease, or the "regulars" that are only there to prolong their escape from home...good stuff though..you always make me laugh...

 
At 1:27 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

The Mist1 School of Social Graces. You'll make gajillions.

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

You are so damn multi-talented, much more than Paula, haha! Hats off to you. But when you saw that those two guys were drinking light beer (sissy stuff) you should've stayed away--Kerri might've thanked you for it. :-)

 
At 3:30 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

At least you weren't looking like Randy.

 
At 4:31 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You should write a book. "How To Get Laid And Still Go Home Alone."

I would buy the first copy.

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"Also, I enjoy getting all prettied up to drink in bars while wearing adorable shoes and batting my long eyelashes."

Me too.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

Speaking of baldness, did you know that men can buy head wipes? I found them this weekend in the drug store. They're supposed to shine up the head really well.

dorky,

Hang out with us. We'll find you a man who knows all about sheet rock.

karmyn,

Thanks. I hardly remember it.

jim,

I'm not saying anything about Mrs. Jim, but I'm not known as the nicest girl around.

echo,

Good. I'm glad you're laughing.

churlita,

He already had his shirt tucked in. There was no room for his anger issues.

jocelyn,

I am going to start charging a fee for my hard work.

laurie,

I just can't guarantee everyone's success. You have to have something to work with.

curiosity,

The waiting period depends on whether or not you want to date him seriously. If you wait too long, there's a chance that he might be annoying and then you won't want to do it anymore.

0,

How long have you been waiting? You make it sound like it might expire.

hearts,

Sometimes they even develop a stutter.

tanj,

I will try to remember so stay out of small towns.

crow,

I don't do it for the money. I do it for the people. I am so sweet.

lizza,

The beer was the first clue that things weren't going to work out.

wg,

Dawg, I know.

britt,

I would sign a copy for you.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

You have some fierce eyelashes.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

A'right, dawg!

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I would sign up for these dating lessons. They sound like fun.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger MJ said...

You are such a good friend Ü

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger Em said...

Sheet rock? A guy tried to impress you with talk of sheet rock? Man, he doesn't deserve to even see you in your cute shoes! Hope your next outing is more successful!

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

I resorted to using the pickup line:

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again?"

I think the fact that I fell down the second time sold the deal.

We are still together.

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Tell Randy thanks for coming by.

debbie,

They are oodles of fun. C'mon over. Class is always in session.

mj,

That's what I keep trying to tell people.

em,

I think he was going for the I'm Handy approach. All that approach says to me is, "I Break Stuff."

ryan,

That is the sweetest thing I've read all day.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger kat said...

That was really funny. I can totally see this happening.

Sheet rock? Snooze.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Who knew that Home Depot served drinks?

Meet the 'chick in the Tool Dept.

We'll have Screwdrivers.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

One time I met Paula Abdul at a mall in South Jersey. This was right after her big single "Straight Up" came out. My buddy I was with had this regular problem of falling in love with women that sang - Paula, Eddie Brickell, Natalie Merchant, etc.

Well she was signing autographs and the line wasn't long for some reason. So we got in line. I got my autograph 8x10 first and while my friend was getting his signed. I told Paula, "We really love your dancing, my friend Doug and I are big cloggers."

"Really, that's great, I love seeing kids doing dance like that."

"I'm just kidding."

Her smile vanished off her face, followed by my friend's sigh of disgust with me.

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

i dare say you just haven't found that pupil who will really appreciate all you have to give

 
At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

I'm sure Kerri was appreciative of turning the sheet-rock guy away.

If not, I think more training for her is in order.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Trish said...

I had a guy with a black eye try to talk me up at a bar once and when I asked him what happened he said he broke a guys jaw. Hmm lovely.

Now the question is...was Kerri wearing underware when she uncrossed her legs? She could have been Sharon Stone ;)

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Women in bars look desperate, get sloshed on free drinks and go home empty handed or with one of the losers.


Sexy in Milwaukee.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger princessdominique said...

Just stopping by to wish you well...

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger The Muser said...

I once had a guy in a bar come up to me and say "Howz about a suck and fuck?". I replied with "Howz about I kick you in the nutz?"

I think your story is better though.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger missfee said...

haha, posted recently about how lesbos are prepetually in relationships, think the art of dating is lost on most... cling on, don;t let it get away and then you never need to learn just how to date :-)

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Have you considered eyelash extensions?

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I like your pickup line, Mist1.
Get right to the point.
No flim-flam.
I like you.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

Excellent.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kat,

This one totally happened.

road,

OMG! I have nothing to wear!

furious,

So, it didn't work out then?

shadow,

I really am such a giver. Very few people deserve me as a friend. Ask them. They will tell you that they didn't deserve what I did for them.

slick,

Kerri still needs lots of help.

trish,

I would hardly call it underwear.

anon,

Yeah, that's pretty much my technique.

dom,

Thanks for coming by, it's been awhile.

muser,

I don't know, your's sounds pretty darn entertaining.

missfee,

Exactly. I don't know anyone that's been single like I have. They have no idea how to manage it. Lucky for them, I am here to help.

Thanks for coming by.

edgy,

I have worn fakes before. They were glittery.

alicia,

I am direct about my needs.

claudia,

It made me laugh at myself.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

I would love to see a Mist1 post on truely the right things to say or not to say.
You would make this an awesome post.

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger goodthomas said...

"You know, I like you, I really do. You're very cute, you have great hair and you really are special. I'm just not sure that you're right for this competition." Oh man, never has there been such a wonderful line of rejection.

I hope Kerri learned a great deal from that very valuable evening.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger heather said...

you most definately have the makings of a second profession for yourself. just make sure your 'girls' don't charge or you realy will be practicing the world's second oldest profession! lol

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

If it were not for the shoes, I'd be so there!

-N

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I could use a wingman (or woman), but I'm more the Simon type.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

wreck,

If I wasn't so camera shy, I would love to do this as a video post.

thomas,

I'm good at gentle rejections.

heather,

Those b*tches better have my money.

natalia,

You will learn to walk in the shoes.

tug,

There is a place for you. Join us.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

what are you talking about? paula has NEVER done drugs or gotten drunk!

and if you believe that, I'll tell you another one!

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger Turnbaby said...

LOL

Except you have actual talent

too funny

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger photo blog girl said...

the muser
i just couldn't imagine every having the nerve to say that to someone. I can't handle rejection as well as others. Yet I've seen first hand people get rejected, rejected and then rejected again, then it totally works and the person laughs at their persistance and gives them a number or whatever....
never my lifestyle

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Paula and I have so much in common.

turn,

Clearly, you have seen me dance. I can move.

pbg,

The Muser has lots of good lines.

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Mist - you would make an AWESOME wingman. And, one could always count on you for a quick out...thats so important in the dating world !

Great post...glad you could remember at least part of it :)

Meg

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger kitten said...

Ah the pleasures and hazards of dating. SOunds like you've got it down pat. I remember those days and damn glad they are over so that now I can read about them, enjoying them vicariously through you. Can't say enough good things about the married state...love it, it's so comforting to have someone to come home to and share the evening with knowing they will still be there in the morning...griping about my horrible sleeping habits lol.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

I'm totally sending you pics of my sheetrock when I get to that part of my home-building project.

By the way, did you know that Sheetrock is actually a trademarked name for gypsum board encased in paper? A more generic term is "drywall," which presumably is meant to differentiate it from plaster/lath walls, which once were the predominant type of wall in domestic construction.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger jali said...

If I ever need help, I'm gonna call you in as my wingman. (I like wingchick)

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger ajooja said...

I want dating lessons!!!

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

My standby pickup line is

"I like your pants. Can I help you take them off?"

It's something my best friend and I developed in the 6th grade. Not sure it works any better now than it did then.

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

I try to take notes on cocktail napkins and airsickness bags so that I don't forget everything.

kitten,

The secret of a happy marriage to me is a duplex.

diesel,

Wake me up when you are going to compliment me on my shoes and curls.

Thanks for stopping by.

jali,

Wingchick sounds a little too bird-like. I am not bird-like.

ajooja,

Enroll now, I am having a special until the middle of the month.

clever,

That's a pretty good one. I will remember it for as long as I can.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Paula, you drunken slut, what a wonderful idea you've given me—who better than Simon Cowles to tear my employees new orifices when they cross me.

I gotta tell you, though, in my mind' eye you've looked like a cross between Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Jessica Paker—not Paula Abdul in the opening throes of early-onset Alzheimer's.

You must not mess with my fantasy life in this way. Now I must adjust.

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME NEW SEXUAL POSITIONS WITHOUT EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT...HAHA
I AM SO GOING TO USE THAT ONE.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mystic,

Why do I remind you of chicks with three names? I need another name.

tkk,

The success rate with line is pretty high. Enjoy.

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You are worth at least 3.5 Paula Abduls.

I don't know what we are going to do with that .5.

Could get messy.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fab,

Please don't take my .5 away from me. I always include the .5 when I tell people how tall I am. Without it, I am just short.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

One of these days I'll have to post the story behind the pick-up line my husband used on me.

Come with me to the men's room. I have something to show you.

The kicker is - it worked!

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

So how many pairs of shoes does Kerri have to pay for dating lessons?

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I spent some time with a Geisha back when our boat was stuck in Japan.

Paula Abdul doesn't remind me of her at all.

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Friends don't let friends date guys who drink domestic light beer.

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Matt said...

You definately have leadership qualities. I think that's your problem.

(She's bossy....)

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

Hey Mist....

I looked up and realized that I called you Paula - when I meant to type Mist - obviously....yet again drinking and blogging are hindering my mind! BAH...So I PROFUSELY apologize! That stated...shut the heck up! I can buy bald wipes...oh mi god! Are these an american product? I may have to get my gf to purchase them for me - where have you seen them. I need to get and hand out!

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

At least you didn't hear any of the men tell her Yo Dog or mention anything about enjoying the dog pound...

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

My favorite pick up line is, "Nice shirt. Can I have it?" Works everytime.

We so have to party together.

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

library,

Did he show you a new car?

pissy,

Kerri pays in liquor and keeping me from getting another tattoo.

blitz,

You know Paula?

123,

That's what I'm saying here.

matt,

I'm not bossy, I'm flossy.

nofear,

I swear, I will go back to the drug store and buy a box for you. I am dying to buy them.

michael,

I didn't feel like Randy for crap's sake.

brooke,

When are we going out for this drink? I will need new shoes.

 
At 8:42 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I can't believe I didn't tell you soooner--Matty and I saw you in the hospital waiting room.

Your boyfriend had a concussion, but you were wearing amazing shoes--black sort of "baby doll" heels with the toe cut out.

He actually turned to me and said, "That looks like Mist."
And I said, "That's exactly what I imagine her to look like." Ah, memories.

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

The word "boyfriend" should have tipped you off that it wasn't me. I work alone. I do love the ER. Seriously. I have a lot of fun there. Sometimes, they throw me out.

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I always found that "Hi" was a sufficient pick up line. Then again, maybe I'm just attracted to desperate men. ;)

-velvet

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I love that you go for the simple and understated approach. I may try that one.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Wow. You're good. Do you do private lessons? Correspondence courses?

Puss

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Every moment that I don't incorporate, I am wasting my time.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Sheet rock guy sounds like a keeper. I don't see what's wrong with him?

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sebastien,

I'll have him call you. Do you have a hole in your wall that needs patching?

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I daresay that you didnt' handle that sheet rock man correctly. The appropriate thing to do was to lead him on until all of your home repair problems were rectified.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

I don't have holes in my walls. I have drain problems. Also, my fridge was leaking again the other day.

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger K said...

this is hilarious. i get sheet rock guys often.

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

Is this like a new thing that guys are doing? I think it's a trend. It needs to be stopped. What ever happened to the good old days, where men talked about me?

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

awesome, but how doe the giesha bit hang with the guys at the local?

and that makeup... kriiiickee!

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

It takes us hours to get ready...and days to recover.

 

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Name: Mist1
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