To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

My Bear Crotch


After writing about Brazilian waxes the other day, I received several suggestions via email as to how I should groom my crotch. First, I would like to thank everyone for the thoughtful suggestions. It's nice to know that my snatch is in the mind's of at least four people. Second, I only email pictures of my toes upon request. Sorry, you will not be receiving any Mist 1 Crotch Shots. Although, for the right price, I may reconsider.

A few months ago, I asked Lacy (my esthetician who is excellent at eyebrows, but not so talented with other bodily hair) if she could wax a design into my delicate lady parts. She carefully cut a piece of paper into a stencil of my initials (yes, I'm that vane). M1 seemed easy enough. She prepped me and went to work. I ended up with what looked more like a lopsided lightening bolt. We both agreed that it was a mess and she promptly removed all of my hair.

The completely bald thing is not a good look for me. Bald, I look strikingly like a 12-year-old. I decided that rather than date pedophiles who like the pre-pubescent look, that I should grow my hair back and start again. The next time, I asked Lacy to leave a bit more hair. The Hitler look left a little to be desired. As I examined my crotch in the hand held mirror that she so graciously provided, I was shocked at how much my crotch resembles an eyeball turned on it's side. I thought about how lucky my crotch is; very few people get to stare into my panties all day.

This time, I was prepared. I collected the suggestions and design templates that were conveniently emailed to me and laid them out for her to study. Immediately, Lacy ruled out the bear. I protested. How ironic is it to have a nearly bare bear snatch? But, Lacy insisted that it was too complex. We jointly ruled out anyone's name. I can't live with anyone's name down there unless we are deeply committed. By deeply committed, I mean paying for my shoe habit. The Confederate flag option was also vetoed. It just doesn't have the same impact without a good dye job. We decided to go for the flames.

Lacy traced the outline onto a piece of paper and laid it across me. She applied the wax and began ripping out the hair. Does anyone else scream during this process? The end result looks a little like I use a Pubic Flowbee or a paper shredder to groom myself.

For the next several weeks, I'll be hitting on men who work at my local office supply store.

Mist 1


106 Comments:

At 9:05 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

People frequently mistake me for a fire crotch.

As much as I support civil rights and equality and all of that crap, had you gone the confederate route, it would have given the phrase "whistling Dixie" a whole new meaning.

And by that I mean oral sex.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger heather said...

OOOOWWWWW! you can keep the brazilian if you wish, this girl is just not into that kinda pain. damn! i hurt just thinking about it!

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Wow. Your crotch is very brave. have you tried it out yet? Do guys dig the flames?

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger The Muser said...

At least with the flames, you have a nice metaphor going, there, with the whole hoo hoo feeling like it's on fire and all. Yeah, I scream. Ow. Do you get bruises though? I do. My ex used to say that my pussy's a little pussy when it comes to waxing. I'm glad he's my ex.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i have never been waxed, not even my eyebrows (because if i were a body part, i'd be staring into panties all day).

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

OUUUCCCHHHH! You are one brave soul. Next time, try to find an esthetician who can do the bare bear thing. That sounds neat.

 
At 11:50 PM, Blogger Sheila said...

Your choice of photos with each post is amazing. Did you pose for that one and tell the guy, "Its for my blog..."

;)

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

1. Yes, I've been known to yell. But i also had one estetician who would send me into hysterical laughter and then rip- don't ask.
2. nice photo - i noticed the guy was bald! hmm.... oh yeah baby! ;-)

 
At 2:03 AM, Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

The thing about waxing that I hate is the ying and yang of it all. Because being tickled is the lowest form of pain (next to having an itch) it makes you giggle when they put the wax on in the most sensitive areas. But this is just an indication of how much it is going to make you cry when the wax is ripped off.

But the oral you get after makes it all worth it.

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

Oh, the things we do for beauty and our local office supply store. It's great being a girl.

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger Brookelina said...

That picture freaks me out. It's got a very "it puts the lotion on its skin" vibe to it.

 
At 4:28 AM, Blogger Me said...

I'm going for my first ever bikini wax on Friday. I am heading south on Sunday and it's winter in Canada, and you do what you have to in order to stay warm. If that means growing in ALL body hair, then so-be-it. I need professional help to get it all removed. I think I'll avoid any designs though...I'll just go for the dorito chip as opposed to the landing strip...or the bear, initials....I'll keep it simple. :)

 
At 4:57 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

Mist, Mist, Mist
tsk tsk tsk
There you go again exciting all those male readers.
Flames are sweet but maybe later you could pare down to the lightning bolt-that would be sweet too.

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I gave up on waxing long ago. I would leave and fix what they did when I got home anyhow. Noxema makes these little razors that get into the nooks and crannies of my hoo haa. The result is way better.

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

You can whistle? I'm impressed. Or scared.

heather,

It's only bad for a few minutes. The redness is disarming for a bit too.

churlita,

I haven't tried it out yet. I think my cheeks are still stuck together.

muser,

I have bruised. I thought I was the only one.

lizza,

I know. I was so disappointed.

sheila,

To date, I have only posted a photo of the back of my head. I'm shy.

nofear,

I thought it was fitting that he was bald.

es,

I love, love, love being a girl.

brooke,

I know. That's why I like it.

me,

Congratulations on your first wax. You're all grown up.

wreck,

So far, the outpouring of support from women has been overwhelming. The guys are still touching themselves.

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

debbie,

I cannot be trusted with a razor down there.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

Excuse me, I'm a little sleepy this morning. I Mist you both...

jennifer,

I've been staring down my pants for hours now.

lux,

Tickling is good.

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger frannie said...

cheese and rice, woman!

Find a new groomer, already.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

"Lacy ruled out the bear. I protested. How ironic is it to have a nearly bare bear snatch?"

I guess a beaver would either be too ironic or too obvious. I can't figure out which.

 
At 5:32 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

Once I tried to wax my bikini line myself. I chickened out after I'd applied the wax and strip and then had to carefully and slowly peel it off. It took about 20 minutes then 2 showers to get all the wax off. Never again.

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Not only are you brave, but really artistic!

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Funny I was just talking about this very subject with my girlfriend the other day..you know the one that had the orgasm dry humping...well she did tell me more after she finsihed several glasses of wine...apparently he got to see her newly wax job and gave her a A+. She said she highly recommends waxing...I was like oh yeah well I can shave a heart perfectly...or sometimes even the letter J to impress my boyfriend...the last time I was waxed the wax lady decided she needed to thread acouple unsightly hairs and well her face was in my stuff...comeon I am not shy ladies but she was totally not my type.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

I shaved in a heart for Valentines, once (about eight years ago, the last time I had a date for Valentines, lol)...but that one was easy...

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

P.S. she didn't even offer me a drink first!!

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

And here I was wondering what you used to stuff that throw pillow you sent me.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

frannie,

But I've known Lacy for years. I cunt cheat on her.

nwjr,

A beaver would have been excellent.

clever,

I've done that. I stuck myself to the kitchen counter. Yes, I know it's repulsive to wax myself in the kitchen. Don't worry, I don't cook.

spoon,

I can't take credit for the suggestions. They were generously provided by a handful of people who come here every day.

tellin',

I have only recently discovered the beauty of threading. The part about the drink is just appalling.

speed,

I couldn't have done it upside down.

av,

I've been saving my body hair for years to make that pillow. Enjoy.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Killer said...

You should get it waxed into an arrow so it is pointing towards your G spot. Some guys need a road map.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Aren't Brazillians the ones that are allowed to beat their wives? I wouldn't do anything to my vagina that involved anything brazillian...that is if I had a vagina...for real.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

I wish I had thought of that. Next time.

furious,

I think you are allowed to beat your wife in most countries. Sure, it's frowned upon here, but still a favored practice all over.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I tried shaving a few times, but just won't do it again. Removing most if not all of it makes me look pre-pubescent... not a good look for me.

Now I prefer to just tidy it up instead.

-velvet

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Broad said...

I thought about how lucky my crotch is; very few people get to stare into my panties all day.

Absolutely brilliant.

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I gave birth to an eight pound baby after taking two aspirin tablets. I know pain. I will never know the Brazilian. That hurts.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Some people find the 12-year-old thing kinda hot. I try to stay away from them.

broad,

My crotch is lucky, but it's never been called brilliant. Thanks.

fringes,

You got pregnant from aspirin?

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I guess I owe you a back hair throw rug, now?

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger goodthomas said...

I giggled, I laughed, I gasped (a little), I read with interest, but try as I might, I got nothing more. I got no response, no clever retort, no unique insight.

(straightens back, clears throat) This is a fine post, Mist 1, very nice indeed.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Reminds me of the time I attempted to shave my girlfriend's pubes in college. It really IS like shaving a cat.

Some things are better left to the professionals.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger G-Man said...

Mist1, very entertaining blog, I'll have to read back a few. Thanks for visiting the Jungle. You are always welcome to come back as often as you like...But It looks like you keep yourself busy......G

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I knew that you were planning something special when you got a haircut. I would prefer a wall hanging. Thanks.

thomas,

Do you know anyone who works at Office Depot?

matt,

I have never shaved a cat. I once buzzed off my friend's eyebrow in her sleep.

gman,

I am really good at keeping myself busy. Boredom is dangerous for me.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

just thinking about that process makes me squeal a bit... *shudder*

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

It's painful just reading about it - that's why I went for the laser - once it's gone, it never, ever comes back. Bliss.

Puss

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger kelley said...

"Pubic Flowbee", omg...

Remember when the "Tiffany box" box was all the rage? Complete with blue dye job? Did I make that up? I'm pretty sure I read that from one of the many credible online news sources I frequent...

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

Too bad you weren't able to pull of the flames. It would have given new meaning to "Burning Bush".

I will say that I waxed once. It felt like I was on fire.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

choo,

I feel so tough now.

puss,

Laser is too high tech for me. I am Cro-Magnon.

kelley,

You're kidding me, right? Damn, now I have to Google it.

pookie,

Pulling stuff off wasn't the problem. It was having a defined line that was the problem.

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Next week I start laser treatments on The Beaver. I'm vascillating between the permanent prepubescent look and a cute heart or lightening bolt. When I'm 80, I need to consider that my children will be changing my diapers and how they may react.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I could never do the Brazilian thing. my bikini trimmer is good enough for me!

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Wavemancali said...

I will never be able to use the words "wax poetically" again without thinking of your nether regions.

I am patently unsure whether this is a good or a bad thing.

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Meg said...

All that shit is way too high maintenance for me....the thing is, it always looks good when its first done - but can get to looking really nasty if not groomed often enough.

For some reason your current design brought "edward siccorshand" to mind....LOL

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

Priceless pic, he's getting right in there, lift your leg up please. Come see the results of my wax job.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I personally like hair.

When it's shaved and it grows back it's like a Marine. That's not rad.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tallulah,

You really should give them something that makes them smile and think about how whimsical you were in your youth.

miztris,

Just try it once. I swear, you'll score big points.

wave,

I wax poetic all the time.

meg,

I have the biggest crush on Edward Scissorhands.

tkk,

I've never straddled Lacy like that, but then again, we've never been out for drinks either.

nolff,

Mmmm. Marines.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I can't get past "an eyeball turned on its side."

I have so much to learn.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I would show you, but I'm not sure that I'm your type.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger CP said...

I think you should have my initials plugged into your pubes. You know you want to.

CP.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! OMG...you are more and more hilarious each day. Oh, I don't scream during the process. I swear like a sailor.

 
At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

I can't believe I actually learned something new here today, Mist.

I didn't even KNOW you could have creative shapes and designs. Hell - I'm too scared to go have anything done down there that involves pulling out hair.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cp,

You are too late. Email suggestions were accepted through yesterday.

chrissy,

Did you mean to say that I am more and more hairless every day?

karmyn,

This is the first time you've learned something here? Clearly, I need to work harder. My goal in life is to educate the public. I'm just not sure which direction I want to take this in yet.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I'm going to get it lasered off. It can't possibly hurt too much more than waxing, right?

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

No screaming, but a lot of swearing. A whole lot!

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Why is everyone so down on pedophiles?

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

after seeing the "40 year old Virgin", I'm not going anywhere near hot wax.

ESPECIALLY my favorite regions....

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alicia,

I'm starting to think that maybe the laser is the future.

laurie,

I don't feel so bad about screaming then.

fab,

Have you heard the one about washing the blood out of the clown suit? No wait, dammit. I told it wrong.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

Well, at least keep it faded then.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Butchieboy said...

Woah. That was an awesome story.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger ajooja said...

I want to lick you so bad.

I'm just sayin'. ;)

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Never done the wax or laser-I have an aversion to pain, especially there!!

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

"I thought about how lucky my crotch is; very few people get to stare into my panties all day." = hahaha

I think that the flame shape makes it a little more difficult for you and the guy you're with to make sexy innuendo about your wax job.

"Oh, yeah, right down here, it burns, baby. You wanna burn, too? Come a little closer..."

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
It was a chance for both of us to be bald together.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

oh my god i sooo want to thank you for this laugh. i needed it so bad. seriously.

and i would have gone with a star. its so easy. although i shave, i've never waxed it off. i fear losing a lip one day.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

butchie,

Anytime I can work the words crotch and snatch into a post, it's usually pretty good.

Thanks for coming by.

ajooja,

All extra credit offers are accepted.

claudia,

Sometimes, vanity hurts.

mystery,

Damn. Where were you when I was printing up the templates?

0,

We have so much in common.

yasamin,

It's funny to me that you fear losing a lip from wax and not from a razor.

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Hey, you made the sixty-ninth comment. That should have been me!

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

okay now you've completely scared the hell out of me. i'm goin retro!

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

There is nothing better than reading a lot of comments from ladies talking about their hoo hoo dillies.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

I screamed too. Have you thought about a heart - shades of Blow Dry.

Back to the imagination...just came up for air.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger fringes said...

Don't try the dangling modifier trick with me. I said I gave birth after taking the aspirin, I didn't say I got pregnant after taking it. You're not the only writer around here.

My word verification is nuctyswt. Nucty Sweet? The gods must be crazy.

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Sh*t! How was I too prepare myself for this visual?

"I was shocked at how much my crotch resembles an eyeball turned on it's side. I thought about how lucky my crotch is; very few people get to stare into my panties all day"

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger SQT said...

Those guys from Office Depot don't know what they're in for.

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

blitz,

The 69 is highly coveted around here.

yasamin,

That's a bold statement.

kevin,

Girls like to talk about crotch more than you realize.

grunt,

Enough air. Get back down there.

fringes,

If only I knew what a dangling modifier was. I have dated a dangling moderator. Still, I will stick to Aleve and avoid aspirin entirely.

olives,

There was nothing you could do to prepare. I'm sorry.

sqt,

I could really use some white out. And maybe some 5160 Avery labels.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Is this in any way how the expression "the moon waxes and wanes" came about? It's close to the moon, sorta, kinda.

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Only you could make a post about ripping out pubic hair cute and amusing. You are scary.

 
At 8:00 PM, Anonymous perry said...

Mist1, do you have blog contact info?

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

You could also date Tom Cruise; I swear he uses a Flowbee on his head hair (I have no idea about his crotch. Nor, ew, do I like the idea that I even just mentioned "Tom Cruise" and "his crotch" near each other.)

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I hurt just reading about it. Thanks.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I thought it was weird that you thought your groom was a crotch (certainly you could call him nicer things), but then I read closer and remembered you ain't married ;-)

Flames are cool!

 
At 8:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pawlie,

It is the moon.

lee,

That was cute and amusing? I thought it was horrific. I have not recovered fully.

perry,

Everyone is welcome to email me. No crotch shots.

Thanks for coming by.

jocelyn,

I'm all confused and weirded out now. What happened to the Tom Cruise of days past? You know, days when it was perfectly acceptable to talk about him and crotches in the same sentence.

tug,

I'm glad you feel my pain.

michael,

Gawd, I hope I'm not married. I would have some explaining to do.

 
At 12:22 AM, Blogger Crazy.Spoiled.bLitch. said...

they say a picture speaks a thousand words...

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I could date a guy at a stationary supply shop. I loved shopping for stationary at the start of any school year. And then sorting all of my new pens and pencils.

Oh, and lets not forget derwents. Mmmm.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

csb,

I speak millions of words. I never shut up. Not even when I'm asleep.

phishez,

I love school supplies. I have a secret stash of index cards.

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

I totally agree with you about the bare thing. I got a brazilian once and felt completely prepubescent. Not a good feeling. Never thought of trying designs. Hmmm, maybe next time.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeta,

It's just too much to be that naked. Designs are good in theory. I am not impressed with mine.

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Paula D. said...

This post was so friggin' funny! Well, I am the brazilian queen. I have always preferred all of it off. Never thought about a design....sounds interesting.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

paula,

It must be really cool to be the Queen of Brazil, your majesty.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Oh puleeze quit it - I'm just back from vacation and sick as a dog with some Mexican tourista bug and I come here to visit and maybe get a little chuckle and you've now made me laugh to the point of nearly pooing myself, which is something I certainly don't need any more of.....so just quit it.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mel,

Use one of those cute little towel animals that you stole from the cruise ship and clean yourself up.

 
At 6:27 PM, Anonymous perry said...

What about those of us who have too many chromosomes to find your email? (maybe the new blogger ate it)

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

perry,

themist1(at)gmail.com

Do I have to do everything for you?

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

You know, I was completely unaware that there are crotch stencils out there. Going to hit on the local stationary boys now? It's the stencils, isn't it?

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

gucci,

I tried to wax at home once and purchased a kit that was supposed to come with stencils. Naturally, they were missing. I called the 800 number (I love 800 numbers) and demanded replacement stencils. They sent me a package of hair removal stuff. It was fabulous.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I went for my first and last brazilian wax before I went to see Jay for Xmas. It hurt like a mo-fo.....a month later, I decided that I would try to do it at home myself, since the aesthetician told me that it would get easier as I keep getting it done and that the hair would come in finer. So I got brave one night and started. I only did about half and gave up. not the prettiest thing. I told myself that I would do the rest the next day...or the next day...but I'm really not that big a fan of self inflicted pain....so I guess I'll stick to shaving. I'm a wimp.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

That's really funny. Very few women can pull off the half-cut.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

heh, you said flaming crotch...

kind of sounds like something you may need an ointment for in the long run.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Nothing wrong with a good topical.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Now this is funny, really funny! So funny I actually had a visual!!!

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

comedy,

I would say something about "in hindsight," but you already have a visual. I don't need to add to it.

 
At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Harry L said...

I'm a fan of the "landing strip" myself.

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

harry,

Is that what you have?

 

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Name: Mist1
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